A Lapse

It's been a few days since I've blogged.  Been a weird pain time for me. Mostly migraines and stomach issues.  *sigh*

Had to get up and go for a monthly blood test this morning.  Rode up in the elevator with one of the Docs from the practice.  He's such a nice guy.  Asked how I was and if I was seeing him today.  I said no, it's my inr (blood test for blood thinner patients) and he grinned and said "that a heck of a way to start your morning"  He's not kidding.  It usually doesn't hurt...I mean, come on, pain is sort of our gig, right?  But man the chick stabbed me hard.  LOL  Poor girl. You could tell she was new.

I had to call yesterday to get some meds for myself.  When the Med Tech asked me for my phone number, I confidently said "555-5555" (number changed to protect everyone.) She just sat there for a moment and then said, Mrs. F. Uh, that's our phone number."  LOL It took me about a minute to remember our home number.  We were both giggling by the end of the phone call.

So I had a lapse of memory.  I was, and am still, able to laugh about it.  Thankfully.  I've had lapses that weren't so funny, like the one where I forgot I was driving and almost hit a little girl.  That was 8 years ago and I haven't driven since.

I'm not used to having to sit and THINK about something.  Usually answers and things come very easy for me.  I was tested for my IQ back in the late 80s when I was tested for and diagnosed with, dyslexia.  My IQ tested at 150+, so I'm not an unintelligent person.  But boy do I feel like I'm a dummy.  Especially after trying for an HOUR to remember "Hamburger Helper".  (I had asked my Husbunny what he wanted for dinner.  Of course I got the standard "I don't know" so I was offering options.)

Lapses are just a part of "normal" life for Fibromites.  We tend to be chattering away and *POOF* our brains just stop.  I've forgotten my own last name...after almost 6 years of marriage, I swore my last name was my maiden name. LOL

So how do we get over the lapses?  What do we do to make sure that the important things aren't missed?  I keep a calendar both on my Kindle (google) and on my iPod touch.  They both ring alarms at different times so that I can't see it once and forget.  I set as many alarms as I can for the REALLY important things (Drs appointments, medication refills, things like that) so that I just don't forget.  Post it notes are amazing things for us forgetful fillies.  I have post its all over the house, pads and notes.  There's apps for the computer that will "bug you" with notes so you don't forget.

I'll also write things down as soon as I think of them...questions for my Docs or my Mom...LOL I'm almost always calling my Mom and saying "I had something to ask you, but I've forgotten it now."  The problem with this, of course, is remembering to take the questions with me.  I think I've figured out a way to help myself...put the questions into a journal I keep in my purse.  I can write them down where ever and then put a note in my reminders to "transcribe questions to journal".  We'll see how this works. :)

The end message is, lapses happen.  If they're too frequent, write yourself a note and ask your Doctor.  There could be more than just fibro going on.

Thankfully, It's Not a Race

Like most fibromyalgia patients, I have a multitude of medical concerns.  In 2005, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer (on my birthday) in 2007, I was diagnosed with diabetes (on my birthday) thanks to the chemo lighting a fire in my pancreas. I have a black pepper allergy that borders on epic, (also thanks to the cancer treatment) arthritis, depression...the list goes on and on.

Today, while chatting with others in a group I'm in on Facebook, I mentioned something about how I haven't had a low pain day since February and how it has really messed with my routines.  One of the group members took me to task for complaining and told me "at least you have all your limbs". She continued on telling me how bad someone of her acquaintance has it because he has psoriasis.  Really?  I understand that psoriasis is not a happy condition to have, but...no, she's right.  He is much worse off than I could ever be. /Sarcasm you know.  When I tried to explain that I was only making a comment based on the conversation, I was told that my constant complaining (??) was bringing the group down.

This person was right that I have all my limbs.  My eyesight.  My hearing.  I can use the bathroom on my own and I can even do some light exercise, if by exercise you mean standing up and sitting down and occasionally going to the pool to walk in the water.  I also do a mean page turn with my books.

And yet...every time I vacuum the house I'm done for the day because I can't move without crying.  Every time I take a shower/bath I have to make time to take a nap because I'm exhausted just from washing my hair. (Thank goodness for WEN!)  Grocery shopping is no longer a thing I enjoy because I can't make it around the store any longer so I have to rely on M to go for us and, well, he's not the best shopper in the world.  Mainly he decides that, if he can't figure out what I need the item for, he'll leave it at the store thus making dinner preparation a "delight".  I have had to learn to plan every single activity, from brushing my teeth and getting dressed, to going to see an art exhibit or movie.

Each of us has our own problems in life.  Each of us has reason to complain.  Comparing my pain levels to an amputee/blind person/psoriasis sufferer is not only belittling to us both, it's not a fair comparison.  Telling someone "at least you're not X" or "at least you have Y" just demeans their conditions and reduces your ability to understand them.

Isn't understanding what we all long for in this life?  Someone who understands and gets us.  Someone who is there for us and, when we need a shoulder, someone to just listen and hold us when we cry. Someone who understands when, even though you have plans, you call and say "I just can't today, I'm sorry" yet again.

It's not a race.  My life sucks most of the time, but I'm not looking to one up anyone.  I'm not looking to be better or worse than anyone. Commiseration, sure. One up-manship? Not even a little.  I don't want to race.  Heck, I can barely walk.

Busy Day, Exhaustion Reigns

Yesterday, by which I mean Saturday March 4th, was a busy day for me. I did work on some writing projects, napped, and then went to see my Grandma in the nursing home. I took  hymnal and sang for her and apparently most of her wing. Which I did NOT know at the time. I'd have been embarrassed, although Mom and my bff both say I shouldn't be.

It was a much longer walk to Grandma's new room and I could feel it as M and I came back to get the car. Then we stopped at Walgreens to get allergy meds for M, me and Xander, our boy cat. I went in and, by the time I got to the pharmacy (I get the D version you have to sign for) I was trembling from exhaustion and pain. Luckily, someone was ahead of me so I could sit.

I really hate that mere walking hurts so much. That I can no longer go grocery shopping because I can't make it completely around the store. Last time I tried, I burst into tears as soon as I got into the car. M has been good about going to the store, but it's not the same. He's not as good at picking out the best fruit and veggies and he often decides we don't REALLY need peanut butter/bread/ground beef/etc. Even if it's on the list. Even if I explain just why X is needed.

But I feel so...out of touch. I used to love going to the mall and walking around. M enjoyed it as well, as long as I didn't stop in any of the stores. LOL I have to plan my trips, get dropped off as close to the store as possible, search out places to sit and rest, smile and nod and use the words "no, no, I'm okay. I sweat like this all the time" as if I'm really okay and don't want teleportation to be a real thing just so I can get back to the car without having to take several pain pills.

I miss going shopping just to window shop with friends. I miss getting to see things first hand before I buy them. I'm happy with online shopping, but I miss the tactile joy shopping brings.

Faking Normal

What is Fibromyalgia? I thought about starting this blog off with some scientific information relating to fibromyalgia, what it is, how it's diagnosed, you know things like that, but it was rather boring so...here's a quickie about fibro. We'll get into the other things later.

 The most frequent symptoms of fibromyalgia are wide spread muscle/joint pain and fatigue. Bone deep fatigue. The kind of fatigue you get when you haven't slept for 3 days straight and everything starts feeling like a Burtonesque hallucination and you try really hard to sleep but your brain keeps playing Cher's "Do You Believe" over...and over...and

 But I've gotten ahead of myself.

 Life with fibro is difficult. Draining. Demanding. Damn hard. Yet people with fibromyalgia have to do everything "normal" people have to do...clean their homes, make dinner, take care of the kids, work, all the day to day things that are second nature to non-fibro sufferers and we have to do most of it while having friends, family, doctors believing that our symptoms are all "in our heads". It's difficult to live life when most of your support system thinks you're faking your symptoms. So we fake being normal. We hide behind our smiles, behind "I'm fine" or "I'm feeling great!".

 Faking Normal, I hope, will raise awareness of this debilitating disorder as well as giving you a laugh as I smile and say "I'm fine". ;)